Conflict

written on 11/16/2025

How comfortable I am with conflict in interpersonal relationships depends entirely on the person I am having a conflict with. If it is with close friends whom I know and can trust, then conflict with them makes me feel comfortable because I know they would respect my boundaries and try to understand my perspective. Conflict with my mother is something I would like to avoid, as my boundaries wouldn't be respected, and they wouldn't try to understand my perspective. My past experiences have influenced my perceptions of conflict in close relationships, leading me to believe that communication is critical and that stating what we may need or want is explicitly crucial. I found that if both parties had tried to understand each other and communicated directly about it, rather than being indirect or not explaining things specifically enough, the relationship would have run much more smoothly. I realized communication is essential because I have a relationship with my crush, who has a different perspective from mine. We both realized that communication between us was crucial and that it would take quite an effort if we wanted to be close. Because of this relationship, I was able to recognize what was needed explicitly in my past relationships that had failed, and what it might have taken to avoid the conflict or reduce its intensity.

My strengths in handling conflict include taking immediate accountability and consistently trying to understand the other party's perspective. I believe I also know what to say during a conflict if I am the one who needs to take accountability and wasn't meeting the other person's needs. The thing I don't like about how I handle conflict is that I always blame myself first, even when I wasn't the one who did anything wrong. I also sometimes don't follow through on my words, which makes me realize I might have been people-pleasing and just saying things I thought the other party wanted to hear. The reason I tend to do this is related to my attachment style, which leans towards preoccupied anxious attachment. My attachment style is more secure nowadays, as I try to be understanding and avoid making assumptions. Some approaches I would like to incorporate into my conflict management style in future relationships are compromise, clarifying the issues, promoting a favorable climate, developing integration skills, and confirming my perceptions and conclusions.

A conflict situation from a past relationship would be between my former online best friend, Len, who lives in Australia, and me. The relationship was that we had known each other for 3 years, but we only became best friends in our 3rd year. We had repeated conflicts over the course of 9 months, but I will use the last one we had before our friendship ended. The conflict was that he was mad at me for not interacting with him or making any effort for him in our friendship, and I had gotten confused about what he might have specifically needed. It started with him explaining to me in a video game chat that he was upset with me about something in our connection, and he expressed jealousy over my connection with another friend, Liz, with whom we were close. I got really confused and ended up saying things about why Liz and I were closer and had a stronger connection than Len, and I did. He specifically told me he was upset with me and a little bit with Liz, too. After we finished conversing in the video game, things between us weren't resolved, and he became more distant and cold towards me.

We did not have a proper conversation since that last one, and instead, Len just showed me things he thought I would like. A week after our previous conversation, Len had finally had enough of putting in effort only to have his needs go unmet, so he expressed his emotions harshly, telling me what he really thought of me while also criticizing me. I responded calmly and told him I couldn't handle these conversations because I wasn't sure what to do to really solve them. He responded by telling me that he felt furious and heartbroken, and he wanted me to put more effort into the friendship.

According to Len, I had barely spoken to him, was needy, had an impossible list of demands, and made him compete with Liz for my attention and time, and he was done trying to fight for the friendship anymore. Whenever we had conflicts, or I felt upset about something, I decided to try to avoid the conversation that would lead to arguing. While we were discussing, I also unintentionally used the neglect response. I also used the kitchen-sinking behavior against him when it wasn't even relevant to the conflict we had. I used these strategies because during that time, I was stressed out by the repeated conflicts we kept having with no actual solution, and I wanted to avoid these conversations because they would also stress me out and leave me in a bad mood afterwards. I also used the kitchen-sinking method because I thought it would explain why I behaved the way I did. They were ineffective; using these methods made our relationship turn for the worse until we no longer had it.

The impact of this conflict on our relationship was that it destroyed our relationship entirely. We had repeated conflicts, and I tried to handle them respectfully as I could, and Len had respected me during our conversations. I know, at first, I criticized him because of his response when I needed comfort from him, which led him to blame me back, and from then on, I started to be more distant from him. The fact that I had distanced myself from him had upset him, because I now realize he wanted us to be close friends and to talk as much as before. I blamed myself after the friendship ended, even though I always tried my best to resolve it. After 9 months of continuous conflict, I realized there was no hope for this friendship surviving, so it was best for it to end.

This conflict affected my overall self-esteem, as I felt I was too demanding of others when I asked for my needs. This also increased my anxiety and fear of even asking for needs, and whether or not I have unrealistic expectations in having my needs met, since Len called me demanding. I grew to be more scared of conflict in friendships, especially if I saw the other party had traits similar to Len's, because I did not want the same thing that happened with Len to occur in another friendship. However, thanks to my relationship with my crush, in which we communicated more effectively, I was able to see things differently and realize that we were both at fault. If I had to do it over again, I would have told Len to be more specific about what he needed, and that I couldn't tell exactly what he needed from him. I would also have said to him that I was no longer interested in being as close as before, which was the harsh truth.