Days 1-3 of Moving On

Day 1 of moving on

I wrote 10-15 pages for The Savior of Death so that she could understand my entire thought process and see, through my actions, just how much I cared for her and how much I thought of her. I was in the five stages of grief: stage 1, denial, hence my attempting to be nice to her.

Day 2 of moving on

On September 30th, 2025, I was in stage 2 of grief, which was anger. Anger that I was in love with a woman for so long, who couldn’t romantically like me back. I was angry with myself for being romantically in love with her and for going back to her for so long. Due to my inexperienced brain and my lack of knowledge, I simply did not know what to do aside from outletting my emotions on a Google Doc page in hopes that I could release absolutely everything so I can finally move on and not go back to this challenging journey and cursed relationship where I am in a doomed one-sided romantic love with this woman. This relationship, for 3-4 years, in which I have repressed my feelings and constantly wondered if I can just move on already and find someone I can love more than The Savior of Death, has been an arduous emotional journey. I expressed all my emotions in this Google Doc, with the option for her to read it or not.

Day 3

Today was October 1st, 2025. I realized that who I hated wasn’t The Savior of Death; in fact, I tried really hard to suppress my romantic feelings for her and disillusioned myself and her into thinking what I felt was only platonic. Then one day, after multiple times of me just imploding on myself and my other friends, I finally exploded in emotions at her. I realized that who I truly hated was myself. I was trying to think of ways to forgive this woman, which was really difficult, and it forced me to use my rational brain to figure out this complex problem. Today was the day when I journaled out my feelings for a really long time simply because I am a man who is guided by my emotions and struggles to be guided by logic. I merely talked about it for a long time on how my anxiety kept being triggered by this woman. Simply because I didn’t know how to express myself adequately back then, in a way that would make her want to leave me. I really didn’t have that many friends, so I tried to suppress my massive amount of resentment and negative emotions altogether so that I could stay close friends with her. I honestly didn’t have anyone else to rely on for a long time, which is rather tragic now that I think about it. She was also the only one I unconditionally loved in a romantic sense for a long time, which is why I kept going back to her, hoping that maybe I could find the stability I’ve always wanted within her.